I Married the Missing Link

Men have hard heads. In fact, modern medical technology is finding that the average male skull has a good six inches of calcified lining (aka bone) all the way around. This leaves very little room in any guy’s head for any neurological function in the form of a working brain.

Also, the male brain remains in its very ancient form. Fortunately, primeval instincts are rooted in the nucleolus of every cell. This medical fact explains why men can function on some levels and not others. For example, concepts like “I am hungry, I need to sleep, and I have to pee” can get through even the thickest headed guy. Concepts like “don’t grease your bike in the house on the new carpet”, “please shut the door you just left open so the flies don’t get in”, and “the light is burned out and needs to be changed” never have a chance of sinking in.

If there is anyone out there who doubts this, just come to my house and spend a week with my husband. He is living proof of all these facts. You might think I am comparing him to the missing link in evolution. No comparison needed. His entire bike team is called “Team Missing Link”. Need I say more?

All of my friends know I married the missing link. Most of my relatives know I married the missing link, although Pat’s side of the family may be in denial. Who could blame them? But the kids know I married the missing link. That’s why we have a phrase that goes like “well, that’s dad for you”.

Right now I am working on another movie. I’ve moved from scarecrow zombies to houses with spirits. I’ve also moved from the east side of Interstate 35 to the west side of Interstate 35. Since we had some unseasonably cold weather for the last shoot, I am hoping the west side brings us more California weather and less northern New England.

What my working on another movie means to my family is that the house elf is gone. Gone, gone, gone. House elves are those little unseen folk who not only run the dirty dishes, but unload the dishwasher and put the clean dishes away so there’s always enough bowls, glasses and spoons. House elves always keep enough soap, toothpaste and deodorant for everyone. House elves also make sure there’s food in the fridge, extra rolls of toilet paper in every bathroom, that the milk hasn’t expired and that the bread isn’t moldy. House elves also keep everyone’s favorite soup in the cupboard, have an extra box of saltines on hand in the pantry, and keep the laundry washed and put away. House elves also always know where everything is. Therefore, when someone can’t find a back pack, or a pair of bike gloves, the house elf knows the back pack is at the bottom of the stairs and the bike gloves are out in the garage on top of the table saw.

But let’s face it. House elves are in big demand by movie companies making movies in Iowa! In our house, the house elf also mows the lawn. This is because I enjoy yard work and I do a good job with mowing the lawn. Therefore, when I mow the lawn it’s green and lush and looks nice. Little bunnies hop through our lawn, deer mosey through on occasion. Owls take up residence in our trees and little birdies twitter in the evergreen and lilac bushes. All is well with the universe.

When my husband mows the lawn, we never know what is going to happen. Okay, that’s not true. We do know what is going to happen and it scares us. Suddenly there will be large dead circles in the middle of the lawn. These might be miniature crop circles formed when people from his home planet try to contact him. But they are more likely toxic chemical burns in the center of the yard caused by his pouring out turpentine on the grass. We can tell it’s turpentine from a mile away due to the unique odor of turpentine. The turpentine disposal stems from Pat’s decision that things needed to be soaked in turpentine. Things like bike chains and lawn mower parts.

Suddenly rose bushes disappear right out of the ground. This could also be explained by an alien landing in the rose bushes under the window in our house. The alien might think the thorny rose bush was attacking and therefore had to be zapped into nonexistence by powerful alien zappo rays. Another vote for the zappo rays are the crop circles around where the rose bushes were.

But the disappearing rose bush and crop circles in the rose garden can also be explained by a running lawn mower being lifted into the rose garden and all the ground cover and rose bushes being mowed into smitherines. Also, the foot prints in the rose garden look mysteriously like husband foot prints and not like alien foot prints.

Another vote for the missing link explanation versus the alien attack explanation is that this has happened before. It happens every time my husband has to mow the grass. He seems to get carried away and not notice that the grass has stopped and that he has reached an area marked off by rocks, landscaping timbers, solar light and a very pronounced change in vegetation. One would also think that since he dug the holes for the rose bushes while I planted them that he might remember.

But, six inches of bone is six inches of bone. A memory like digging several holes on a hot day and getting stabbed by thorns on the rose bush as we lifted them into the holes doesn’t have a chance of remaining.

There’s another fact that goes with the six inch lining of bone. The space in the center is a finite space. Therefore, according to all the laws of physics, it can only hold so much. Once full, something must be taken out before more can be taken in.

The male mind is very selective in the thoughts that will be retained. Therefore, when the news of Brett Favre playing for the Vikings came along – well something just had to do. Therefore it was a simple choice – memory of location of prickly rose bushes out. New knowledge of Brett Favre being a Viking – in.

This new movie shoot lasts 3 weeks. That’s 3 more times our lawn will be mowed. I went around the yard last night and showed my husband all the areas that are grass and can be mowed. I showed him the spots of missing rosebushes. He, of course, denied mowing the rose garden. He probably doesn’t remember it. I’ll be putting up a little fence today to help his ailing memory. I would ask the Vikings to come down and replace the slaughtered rose bushes – but that’s even scarier. I’d have an entire yard full of bone heads. Who knows how many crop circles that could be?